Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
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Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
what the hell pray for carter everyone
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Awesome parenting 😂
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.