honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
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*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.