Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
You Might Also Like
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*