@bridger_w: Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
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@abrosenthal: A study found that Buzzfeed is the least trusted news source in media. Serves them right for telling me I belong in Hufflepuff.
@Scott_A_Gilmore: Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.
@Pundamentalism: Ha - mildly amusing Haha - funny Hahaha - sarcastic laugh Hahahaha - stayin' alive
@iwearaonesie: 9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad? me: Drunk 9: What's mom gonna be? me: Mad