@bridger_w: Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
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@TinaraMinus10: A handsome man came up to me today & said "Hi what's your name?" I said "You on Twitter?" He said "No" We're getting married on Monday!
@DaddyJew: Parent: my child's reading at a 3rd grade level, what reading level is your son at? Me: he knows some curse words but not all of them yet
@KenJennings: If you ever want to be bummed all day, think about how Jordan's national carrier is called "Royal Jordanian Airways" instead of "Air Jordan"