@bridger_w: Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
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@AGreaterMonster: If cupcakes could talk, boy, there sure would be a lot of screaming in my house.
@JDBBourg: Doctor: You can only have clear liquids after midnight Me: Sure no problem Doctor: Not white wine Me:
@carlyken: [airport security] *BEEP* Ma'am, step through again *BEEP* Nice try pal, I'm not removing my Slayer shirt Ma'am, please it's too much metal
@living_marble: Technically, it's only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.