Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
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I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
i actually laughed 😩
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW