Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
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wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels