@Mr_Kapowski: Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.
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@LovestruckLayla: So I have one coworker who uses "irregardless" and another who uses "unappropriate" and now I'm over trying to conversate with these people.
@Brampersandon_: OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible* JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth? O: Yes BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*
@baycontaco: I've started picking up dudes by walking into Starbucks and "accidentally" dropping my recipe for bacon tacos.
@scorpicpanda: *gets ponytail caught in elevator door *hands phone to stranger "Hey, could you get a shot of this for me?"