[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
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Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn