Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
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Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later