Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
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I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.