Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.