@lewisheywood: Honestly thought someone was just super excited about the drinks machine
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@Pork_Chop_Hair: When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it's sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he's all "Your Pap smear is normal, but please don't do that with your toes every time".
@fricken_jess: Cool story bro, needs more dragons and shit - how Game of Thrones started, probably.
@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old woke up. 5 minutes of "Mommy!" 5 minutes of "Mommy?" Said "Daddy?" one time & my wife said, "You should go check on her".
@NYC_Blonde: If I ever get a dog I'm going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.