[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
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Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.