@MrMJCox: Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
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@Brianhopecomedy: Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone's food pics and posting the calories.
@PaperWash: vampire waiter: would you like to order? customer: I'll have a steak vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what...wuddya need a stake for?
@brendohare: On your first day of prison, go up to the biggest, scariest guy there, and ask him "Have you heard of updog?"
@ArfMeasures: SCIENCE TEACHER: What's the loudest noise in the world? "Volcanic eruption" "An explosion" "An earthquake" ME: Trying to open snacks you don't want to share