@MrMJCox: Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
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@MisterBombay: Before Twitter, I'd ignore dumb thoughts in my head like "How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?" Now, I tweet them
@Ristolable: Me at 20: I'm smarter than everyone in the world Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
@CooIStepDad: "Son it's time we had the talk" "Cmon dad I know about se.." "Jet fuel can't melt steel beams" "What?" "It was an inside job"
@hipchkk: I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, "Period!"