Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
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My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm