Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
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When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
emergency phone
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.