Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
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It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.