Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
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I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?