@therepoguy: "Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?"
Toilet paper- "I have a boyfriend"
@NintenDom: Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.
@ryaninco: You know you've had too much to drink when you ask Siri to drive you home.
@Xalqee: If the object of having a few drinks is to " Take the edge off", then I'm Spherical
@brittwastaken: I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.
-The inventor of massage
@UncleDuke1969: If I had a time machine, I'd go back & mess with myself.
I'd delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.