@therepoguy: "Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?"
Toilet paper- "I have a boyfriend"
@bea_ker: "Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?"
Yes Tony, we saw it. You're 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.
@DaddyJew: Relationship threats:
teens: i'll cheat on you
20's: i'll go to the bar with my boys
30's: I'm gonna watch all of our shows without you
@joe_binkley: Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge... Rest in peace.
Friend: I'm so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she's not dead, she's just really lazy.
@Ndeshi_M: Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
@ibid78: Probably the hardest part about being a dj is when you get into a fight and you gotta hold your headphones up to your ear with one shoulder.