@therepoguy: "Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?"
Toilet paper- "I have a boyfriend"
@MatCro: [first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You're at the wrong end.
@JesKeepSwimming: Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family's home and stealing their food, as long as you're a white girl.
@CanadianCyn: I've found a diner. Or maybe it's a house. Either way this little old lady is cooking me breakfast.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: You should cut your toenails.
M: You're scratching my leg.
W: I'm WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That's kinda my point.
@KeetPotato: unstable person: "jet fuel doesn't melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job"
stable person: "i look after horses"