“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
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Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”