Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
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At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?