sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
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Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]