“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
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Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 馃槓
Me: 馃樁
Friend: 馃槙
Me: 馃槓
Me: 馃憖馃挱
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn鈥檛 playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 馃And this, kids, is why we don鈥檛 talk to the police without a lawyer present 馃ぃ
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
These 3D printers are insane!
when someone rings the doorbell