“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
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“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back