“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
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The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[adds another nod to the conversation]