“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
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It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Education is vital
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.