“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
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This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
concern
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
New tinder profile pic
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape