Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
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“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.