@weinerdog4life: Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn't a ghost
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@DontTouchMyWine: Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight's dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
@ehdannyboy: Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
@peterjames48: "I don't have to outrun the bear! Just you!" Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
@heatherlou_: A "good parenting" blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?