Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
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The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
where do you see yourself in five years?
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.