Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
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Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.