honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
You Might Also Like
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
TRAIN’S HERE
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.