My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
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I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people