Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
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Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND