Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
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I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
sigh
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.