Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
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Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
We’ve all been there…
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Google assistant rules
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall