If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
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Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
mathematically impossible
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?