*pronounces woah like Noah*
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He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team