honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
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A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Candles never taste the way they smell
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?