Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
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[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Europe. Made in Germany.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me