Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
You Might Also Like
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Jail
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit