“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
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got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*