“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
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“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Storm Tropical Storm
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.