honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
You Might Also Like
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.