“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
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Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous