“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
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“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
my astrological sign is a french fry