@briangaar: Honey, look what I found on our son's computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I'm calling the police
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@DamonHunzeker: If you ever get attacked by a shark, don't forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
@stevevsninjas: Judge: Guilty Me: Sayyoudidwhat. Judge: What did you say? Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence? *Stage dives into cheering jury*
@B1gBrainsMcGee: "I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion." -person who invented hand dryers
@Sassafrantz: My date said he wasn't looking for anything serious like I was trying to help him solve cold case files and shit.