Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
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If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
translated into Canadian