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when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.