“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
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you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Livid.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.