“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
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I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
How about daylight saves us for once
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Mountain Goat : )
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.