@Matt_The_1st: "Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don't we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?"
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@TySmithdrums: I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I'm speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn't know who did it
@librarianfonz: I literally use figuratively in literally every occasion where I am literally speaking figuratively.
@NurseMurderer: him: what are you looking for on this dating site? me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
@QwertyJones3: Marathon runner: I think we're lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way? Lemming: Just trust me, ok?