I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
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I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.