Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
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[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
This is Sparta