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@internetluke: Honey, were out of snake food.
"What? For what snake?"
Honey, I bought a snake
@PaperWash: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
@tigersgoroooar: If you want a Christmas card from me, message me your address and pray I die and get reincarnated as someone who gives a shit what you want.
@MollySneed: Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they'll eventually go away.
@ShitJokes: Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
@ltsKermit: mom: who’s your background?
me: my boyfriend
mom: can i meet him?
me: not before i do