Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
You Might Also Like
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My circle of trust is a meatball
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
He just like my cat fr
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne